A recent poem Susan received had these lines hidden among all the others that professed undying love: “When someone is willing to do without, So your life is complete”

This would stop me in my tracks. This guy was either Bernie Madoff writing from his North Carolina jail cell or a man looking for someone to donate a kidney.

“Hang out and talk .and size each other up?????????we could find out about the real thoughts and dreams of the other person, wishes in life…also being a free sprite and with out family or baggage, i can travel or relocate for the right reasons of course ??…Either Way Welcome Onbroad The “Fish” U Will enjoy and meet some really Great People ???”

I charge this person with Greatest Abuse of Question Marks.

While it’s tough to get past any of these intros, Susan has found a few men she was willing to meet. The following are actual experiences Susan has had on dates. A word to caution to readers: Don’t try this at home.

One man took Susan to a movie in a shopping mall. About 30 minutes in the film, he excused himself and disappeared. Susan assumed he was going to the men’s room. After a fairly long time, she assumed he must be lying on the men’s room floor. She worried about how she would get home that evening. More time passed. Then her date appeared with shopping bags in hand. Susan was stunned. He explained that the movie was boring and he needed new shoes. He was excited to show her what he had bought.

Another man suggested they meet at a park for a picnic. He would bring the food, and Susan would bring the wine. He arrived late, because he was thirsty and had stopped at a 7-11. After spending a lot of time in there, he couldn’t find soft drinks that were cheap enough, so he left. He couldn’t call her because he didn’t own a cell phone. The service was too expensive. Susan feared the date was starting out in the wrong direction. She told him she had an emergency appointment and would have to leave. He was very disappointed and suggested they at least eat the food he had brought. He reached into his pocket and pulled out individually-wrapped sliced of Velveeta. Susan told him she was allergic to Velveeta, handed him the wine and fled.

In an attempt to recognize men seated in restaurants, Susan has asked them to wear something distinctive. One wore antlers. He continued to wear them throughout their coffee together. Susan excused herself early and fled to the Barnes and Noble. Shortly thereafter, her date showed up, following her around the store, still wearing his antlers.

Antlers were the least of Susan’s problems. Another date showed up to meet her at a craft show, where Susan had gone with a friend. He seemed very attentive (too attentive). Susan became uncomfortable. She told him she wanted to stay at the craft show a bit longer. He suggested that after she was finished, he’d be happy to drive her home and added that she would be safe with him because he kept a gun in his glove compartment so that “no one would ever mess with him.” Susan declined.

Susan was really excited when I told her I was writing columns about her attempts at internet dating.

“You can be my blind author!” she exclaimed.
“I think you meant ‘ghost writer,’” I clarified.

Oh boy, are we going to have fun with this one.