I think I have invented a new hobby for myself. I call it “twerking” because I keep twerking various companies to see if I can get them to admit their weaknesses and failings.

This past week or so I continued to twerk the help-with-your-invention companies. I decided that chrome plated vegetables wasn’t ludicrous enough so this time I told four different companies that I was working on something that was even more idiotic. (Of course I didn’t tell them that.) In the box where they asked me to describe my invention, this is what I put down.

“We are working on a formula that will bring dead pets back to life. We have had some limited success so far. Our laboratory has developed a pill that makes live pets dead. Phase II will be a pill that has no effect at all.”

Believe it or not, three of the four companies are still interested in working with me to help me patent the idea. (If I’m willing to send them a check for $685.00 of course.) (More on this below.)

Here’s another “twerker” of mine but first a brief explanation. If you have ever done a Google search, you know that it will frequently yield many, many pages of results. It is an accepted marketing fact that if your company is not on the first or second page, you have little chance of being contacted by a prospective buyer. So that resulted in the so-called science of Search Engine Optimization or SEO for short. There are SEO companies that will work on your web site to have your company appear on pages one or two when a prospect does a web search.

The other day I Googled the words “search engine optimization” and up popped about 43 pages of companies offering to do that for me. I presume you see the irony of a company promising to use special techniques – at a husky fee – to place me on page one or two when they are on page 42 themselves.

I called one of the companies on page 42 pretending to be dumb (that was the easy part) and the conversation went something like this.

Them – “A-one Optimizer Company.”

Me – “Hi. I’ve been hearing about this search engine ultimatum (sic) thing. Is that what you do?”

Them -“Yes, we do. It’s called search engine optimization.” (Very pompously emphasizing the word “optimization.)

Me – “Can you tell me about it and how it works?”

Them – “We modify your web site using various special techniques and tricks that will put your company on the first few pages of a Google search”

Me – “Why is that important?”

Them – “It’s a well known fact that if you’re not on the first few pages of a search, you will not get any calls.”

Me – “What sort of techniques do you use?”