First of all, it’s a well-known fact that men know everything. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that their wives are always asking them important questions like, “Do you think cousin Mabel really loves that guy she’s living with?” -or- “Should I use the floral pattern dishes for the luncheon tomorrow?” -or- “I wonder what my dream was all about last night.” Stuff like that.

Of course, men feel obligated to come up with an answer to these kinds of deep questions because they have been raised from childhood to always have an answer. So a useful, considered reply is usually, “Uh, huh.” -or- “Yep.” -or- “You had a dream last night?” But never, “I don’t know.” (Clinical studies have determined that married men over the age of 21 are physically and emotionally unable to form the words.) This is probably due to the fact that it would probably create marital disharmony, it would surely not present a good image and it just wouldn’t be helpful. Better to use the suggested answers above.

Men can also fix any anything – provided of course, that they have the right tool. Unfortunately, they never have the right tool. That’s why men spend so much time in hardware stores. They’re looking for the right tool. They may not know exactly which one it is and of course no self-respecting man would ever ask any of the salesmen. A man just knows he’ll know the right one when he sees it. (Usually it is in a box of Specially-Marked-Down tools that come in a kit that folds into a neat plastic pouch and fits 1700 different sizes of whatever it is that it’s supposed to fit. If it is especially versatile it can also be used to open beer bottles.) So a man may not know which is the exactly right tool he needs but he knows it’s out there somewhere. And he also knows that he doesn’t own it yet. (Or he may, but he can’t remember where he put it in his garage after he bought the same one the last time and couldn’t figure out how to use it. He’ll find the first one just as soon as he buys the second one and brings it home.)

He probably won’t be able to figure out how to use that second one either. And it (and the several other tools he bought along with it because they will probably come in handy some day) will almost certainly cost more than he would have paid to have the job fixed by his neighborhood handyman. That is, if he could ever lower his dignity by asking for help.

Now that we have established the validity of never asking for directions, we come to the subject of reading directions – another annoyance that only wastes valuable time away from actually using those incredibly sharp, extremely powerful tools that were formerly available only to highly trained and skilled professionals. People who had to waste their time attending classes and seminars in the safe use of those tools. It clearly stands to reason that if a man has no reason to ask for directions, there is also no reason why he should have to read directions either.

So here is what happens when a man gets his new, powerful, electric tool home. (This is the tool he bought by the way for $179.99 – on sale – when he was at the hardware store shopping for a replacement washer for the bathroom sink.)

“Wow! What a beauty! I’ve always wanted one of these. I wonder what it does.”

“What’s all this stuff? Styrofoam packing, cardboard, brochures, instructions, warning notes – who needs all this crap? Especially those instructions that were written by some 5th grader in Bangladesh. ”

“Let’s see, this piece fits in here. This one goes here. Plug it in here.”

“Ouch! Son-of-a-bitch!”

“Honey, where do we keep the band-aids?”