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Retirement Cash: Bellybutton Lint Farming

Saturday, January 21st, 2017   3:29 pm |  Category:   Humor   |   6 Comments  
Author:     posts:  2    Author's   bio

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“It’s been a closet industry too long,” says seminar spokesperson and bellybutton lint authority, Dr. Seymour Ensley. “People used to be embarrassed to talk about their navel lint in public. Not anymore. I’ve had bankers, school teachers, and hotel maids jump up in the middle of class and proudly display their midsection. Today’s growers are happy to share information and celebrate each other’s accomplishments on the BBLF (Bellybutton Lint Farmers) Facebook page.”

 

One cooperative, known as Big Wooly, operates a harvest and collection center in Wahoo, Nebraska. Lint removal specialists vacuum and sanitize Wooly members’ navels using state-of-the-art technology.

 

“I go in for Lint-O-Suction three times a week,” says Suzie Qualls of Omaha. “It was a little scary the first time, but the process is painless, and you’re able to go back to work in fifteen minutes.”

 

Big Wooly technician, Barney Atchison, explains. “Lint-O-Suction gives our clients an advantage over those who home-harvest. The lint is measured for bulk, weighed, and the data recorded in the member’s account, much like a bank deposit. Members decide when and how much to sell based upon their own personal preference or market fluctuations.

 

“Keeping the navel area clean stimulates crop growth and eliminates the need to wear an odor guard when harvesting,” says Atchison. “Sure, we sanitize every ball that comes through here, but some of those odors are . . . well, hard to get rid of. Those batches are shipped to government contractors for use in chemical weapons.”

 

Whether you’re new to bellybutton lint farming or a third-generation navel plantation owner, crop rotation is a must. The Department of Agriculture recommends wearing soft cotton fabrics during warm months and slipping into wool or mohair when temperatures drop below forty degrees Fahrenheit. The rougher fibers work to stretch the bellybutton walls and enhance capacity. In the Middle East, where a lot of camel hair is worn, growers have been known to produce spheres the size of basketballs.

 

One thing is for certain, farming is hard work, and not everyone is cut out for the arduous task of producing bellybutton lint. It takes patience, perseverance, and desire.

 

Do you have what it takes?

 

Go ahead.
Nobody’s watching.

 

Stick your finger in there and measure one more time.

 

And hey, if bellybutton lint isn’t your thing, you can always go into toe jam farming. There’s a huge market for it in Europe right now.

 

Lip gloss manufacturers are buying it by the ton.

 

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6 Comments
  1. Nancy Hartney Jan 23rd 2017  6:01 pm

    I fell off my chair laughing at this. AND!!! immediately checked my navel for opportunity to join this new farming movement.

  2. Monnie Peterson Jan 23rd 2017  11:48 pm

    WHOA – thank you for opening my eyes to a new stay at home and earn opportunity. Look at all the fund raising opportunities for schools, clubs, churches and the list goes on and on.

    This article is very humorous and harmless. Thank you for sharing. It is great/

  3. Jerry Hogan Jan 24th 2017  1:44 am

    Great fun as always. Russell Gayer is an outstanding humorist. Always like his work.

  4. Meg Dendler Jan 24th 2017  8:07 pm

    Fantastic, Russell. As always!!

  5. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields Jan 24th 2017  10:22 pm

    This article certainly gave me a lot to think about. Where was this 25 years ago when I went to work as a cake decorator. Bellybutton lint farming would’ve been so much easier than putting up with demanding customers.

    Where do you come up with these things, Russell? You are in a class by yourself. Funny Stuff. I got a warm fuzzy feeling from it. ;)

  6. dan esmon Feb 25th 2017  4:06 pm

    you’ve got to be kidding me


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